Melodramatic Smoking

From 16 to 52 (hopefully), I smoked. I saw my grandmother die with a harsh, constant cough, and with that thought in mind, I told myself that I was committing a slow suicide. I’ve been smoke/vapor free for 9 straight days. On the first day, I found a Marlboro on the sidewalk in perfect condition. I destroyed it believing one slip could easily lead me to constant smoking. I was also happy with myself over equating smoking with suicide. I Googled the two terms and they were often used together.

.

.

.

#smoke #cigarettes #vapor #smoking #quiting #suicide #committingsuicide #slowsuicide #Marlboro #cigarette #quitingsmoking #ecigarette #vaporizor #tobacco #nicotine

Advertisements

Guess Who Said This

St. Jerome (347 AD – 420 AD)
a Christian priest, confessor, theologian, and historian. He was born at Stridon, a village near Emona on the border of Dalmatia and Pannonia. He is best known for his translation of most of the Bible into Latin, and his commentaries on the Gospels. His list of writings is extensive. Wikipedia
#quote, #St.Jerome #heathenish

The Death of Ted

In 1990 before I was sent to Nicaragua, I was thinking about my mortality and how I could die. In 1990, there was a war going on with the CIA aided Conflicts. For some reason I started thinking of St Oscar Romero. I was not praying or meditating, but my head was pointed at the ground as I walked along a sidewalk in Columbia, Missouri. Graffiti crossed my vision and never left me. Someone had painted on the concrete a police-like outline of a person. It was similar to what would be seen on TV for a murder on a city street. Below the right foot, the words “The Death of Ted” was written. Above the right hand was a short white line that I easily assumed was a cigarette. I’ve always wondered was this a warning that I would die of lung cancer or something smoking related, or would I be murdered. A nun assured me that I should just quit the cigarettes. Seriously, it’s almost impossible to believe that this was a message from God, an angel, the ghost of St. Romero, or just a random occurrence. However for 32 years, I’ve been constantly trying to quit. Electronic Cigs, Vapors, or ECigarettes are no help to me. No matter the level of Nicotine, their use builds my cravings. I do have the gum and supportive friends. Furthermore, I’ve developed the routine of deep breathing and praying when cravings arise. Currently, I’m two days smokeless!!!

.

.

.

#quitingsmoking #smoking, #quiting #Nicotine #strange #weird #death, #grafetti, #message #warning #supernatural

My Happiness is in Being Myself

If I compare/judge myself to others to often, I become depressed. My goals are probably extremely unique. In my own way I try to live like St. Francis of Assisi. With my overall inverted personality and health problems, I know it is impossible, but attempting is better than doing nothing. Furthermore with St Francis of Assisi as my hero, judging myself against others over one’s income is completely pointless.

.

.

.

#happiness, #judgment, #depression #sad, #compare #judgement #comparingyourself #StFrancisofAssisi

I Looked At Myself

I have always had big goals and dreams for myself, but I rarely looked at myself to see if I was behaving in such a way that would achieve them. Only through daily prayer have I started to examine myself and then act in a manner closer to those ideas.

.

.

.

#dreams #goals #prayer #behavior #Socrates #dailyprayer #behaving

My Definition of Anxeity

The potential loss of meds filled me with a tremendous sense of doom. I was afraid of the future and what I could end up doing to myself or to others. My plan was to become a modern day Grizzly Adams. Two black snakes mating don’t scare me which gave me the idea on the way home from work. I would spend my days praying, meditating, fishing, and eat alot of trail mix. Fortunately, all is well.

.

.

.

#fear #stress #anxeity #medications #GrizzlyAdams

Help is always available

OK, some online support groups stink, but some seem pretty good. I don’t know about the one I am currently using. Will have to wait & see. However, I have family and friends I could have easily called today. I was awfully depressed. I snapped out of it. I honestly want the opinion of someone who suffered from depression. You’re only alone if you keep yourself from others. I have in my past, & it doesn’t make things any better.

.

.

.

#depression, #lonliness #lonely #alone #sad #communication #help #support #supportgroup #online #onlinesupportgroup