You hold the key to your own destiny.

I’ve always loved this quote, especially when I was living a sinful life. St. Francis of Assisi always inspired me too, because he was a party boy and turned away from that sinful life like I’ve tried to do.

I am bipolar and have borderline personality disorder. Being bipolar does not just relate to your mood and emotions, but it is a mental disorder which also affects your morals. At times, I have aspired to live as piously as possible but then fallen to being morally reprehensible. The problem wasn’t believing whether or not God would forgive me. I was and am 100% positive that God will forgive me. The problem was that I couldn’t forgive myself because I simply hated myself. I was a complete alcoholic, narcissistic, player. I used women for my own pleasure with little concern for them, and I took whatever I could from friends. In honesty to this day, there are parts of me that I still hate. My self-esteem was so low and my depression so high that I hated myself

This all changed once I started praying on a daily basis. I wear bracelets with hand carved beads and for a number of years told myself to attach prayers to them in some way, shape, or form. I never did. Little did I realize that this gut feeling was actually a calling from God. When I stopped drinking I started wearing them. The first time I stopped drowning myself in booze, I was 20 years old. My parents didn’t believe me and sent me on a retreat to Medugorje, Bosnia-Herzagovia, which focused on the Catholic Rosary. I learned a lot about the Rosary and praying, which I still try to apply today. My personal rosary is a mixture between a Roman Catholic Rosary and Tibetan Meditation Prayer Beads. I can use them to either pray or meditate. Regardless of my initial intentions, I don’t know what the Pope or the Dalia Lama would say about the validity of this plan. However, it’s kept me sober for 20 years and helped me pray daily. For these two facts alone, I believe they would at least be supportive.

Once I started praying daily, my self-hatred started decreasing and I started accepting myself for who I am and not afraid to hide my negative aspects from the world.

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Stranger’s Help

I was exhausted, angry, & completely anxious about having a seizure. I felt like I could collapse. I was at work, and fortunately, I remembered to take my PRN, “pro re nata” or when needed, medications.

I can only guess that a stranger saw how dejected I looked or saw me taking my extra meds. After I rang up his groceries, he gave me $5 and told me that he would be happy to pay for my lunch. I was dumbfounded.

Physically, I gradually bounced back. Mentally, I was better almost immediately. Was it the meds? Was it money? Or, was it just the fact that a complete stranger noticed my pain & fear and helped me out the best he could. I could only say, “Thanks”.

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#prayer #pray #seizure #exhausted #stranger #money, #gift #medications #pain #fear #help #kindness

Albert Einstein with Mother Theresa

Einstein wrote about intelligent people, where as Mother Theresa wrote a list of how to be humble. Not all of them are applicable, nor would I ever believe she would advise anyone to outright ignore someone else.

However, ignoring the behavior of a person who is in someway offensive, does coincide with a number of points on the Mother Theresa’s Humility List.

These points are:

• Accept small irritations with good humor. • Accept censures even if unmerited.

• Give in to the will of others.
• Accept insults and injuries.
• Accept contempt, being forgotten and disregarded.
• Be courteous and delicate even when provoked by someone.
• Give in, in discussions, even when you are right.

In the past three years, my anger control has improved immensely. Three years ago if I failed to take my medicine, I could quickly switch from a good humor to being fully enraged, and then just ashamed of myself. Now I still take my medicine, however since then I pray a series of conventional prayers along with unorthodox prayers, which I composed myself. One of those is solely based on Mother Theresa’s List of Humility. Now if I forget my medicine, I have normally remembered one of those points or something else from from my prayers which causes me to stay calm and not overreact.

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A Rainbow With No Rain?

A rainbow with no rain? Knew it was possible, but never seen it. ~~~~ made me feel all warm and fuzzy ’cause I got some big dreams & goals, which got an extra boost. I may not be able to dictate how everything will work out, but something stupid like that makes me confident it’ll succeed.

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#rain #rainbow #cloud #clouds #rainbows #dreams #dream #goal #goals #quote #possible #possiblity #unexpectedly #unexpected

My Goal in Life

In September of 1999, I graduated from the University of Missouri’s Law School. Constitution Law was my strongest class. The professor would follow the alphabetical list of students, except for when he was running out of time in the class. One class, he looked at me and asked a question. Knowing that he was no where near “O’Donnell”, I turned around and looked at the guy behind me. Returning my gaze to the professor, I asked, “Are you calling on me?”

This was fairly impolite and rude, as we weren’t likely to question professors. He just smiled and nodded. I gave the answer, and he continued.

The next semester he and I passed each other in a hall, and he smiled and said, “I think I know what you got in our class.”

I got a D. I limped out of law school due to anxiety attacks during every test. I also took three bar exams with attacks in each one and failing all three. I may be mentally ill but I’m not stupid.

I have a whole list of problems but the three major ones are Focal Epilepsy, Bi-Polar, and depression.

With these problems, I now pray for direction on what to do, where to go, and what to say.

Before adopting this motto, I went into a grocery store when unemployed and saw a help wanted sign. A sudden, indescribable feeling overwhelmed my chest and I felt like I should apply there. If I worked at a grocery store, I knew my parents would not approve, and seemed below me. However, I looked at the people working there and didn’t see myself above any of them.

Then I remembered some Biblical sites, specifically

1 Peter 5: 5-7 “Likewise you younger members, – be subject to the presbyters. And all of you , clothe yourselves with humility in your dealings with one another for: God opposes the proud but bestows favor on the humble. So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you.”

Bagging groceries is my way of humbling myself to God. I’ve learned a lot about myself and that any work done with responsibility, peace, and warmth is respectful.

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#God, #prayer, #bagging_groceries, #school, #law_school, #eternity, #life, #humility #humble #work #grocery #grocery_store, #prayers #direction #Bible passage, #goals

Help Me Quit Smoking

If you’re interested or have specific requests for anything I make leave a comment or email me at tcircledtedodonnell@yahoo.com. If you know someone who would be interested in one tell them. Every week, I plan on posting new creations. The explanation to all this follows the photos.

The explanation:

I’ve been sober for 20 years and the first three were spent making beads and bracelets. On your wrist, I realize they are simple jewelry.

On my wrist, it’s more of a personalized rosary crossed with Tibetan prayer beads. I use my rosary for praying or meditating. Of course, any Rosary could be used solely for meditation. When I was 18, I told my parents that I was an alcoholic. They didn’t believe me, but did send me on a retreat that went all the way to Medugorje, Bosnia-Herzagovia (when it was Yugoslavia). The retreat was entirely about the Rosary, and I have great respect for it. Originally, that’s all I carved, and if someone requested one now, I would carve it as quickly as possible. For myself however, I wanted something more personal to give me a closer connection with the prayers, meditation, and God. Therefore, I concocted my own version.

I gave some away, but sold many more at a store in Kansas City, called It’s A Beautiful Day.

Now, I want to quit smoking, and therefore, I’m giving them away instead of selling them. I pray as I carve, paint/stain, and put them on bracelets and since I am rewarded with breaking my habit of smoking, I don’t feel it would be proper to receive any out right payment. Therefore, I offer them to who ever would like one.

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