A small confession

Management forgot my break which sets me off but today I stayed calm.

I’ve never been diagnosed with an anger control problem, but I’d kick their butt if they said I was wrong.  I don’t need a diagnosis to know. I overreact, yell, use profanity, and a few times in the past I’ve lost consciousness and slipped into a focal epileptic seizure, when I’ve acted out outrageously. Those extreme times are absolutely no fun.

I took a job in retail, a grocery store, because I thought it would not be stressful. Sure, retail isn’t stressful. Try telling a venomous customer their coupon is expired, especially during a world-wide emergancy pandamic. This was the perfect day for me to have one of the most intense, forcible, zealous, extreme explosions. Long lines, trying, trying to quit smoking at the same time, and hundreds of ugly, resentful, annoyed, or outright explosive marine corps of customers. I was certainly tempted to snatch my phone up and threaten management with an on coming seizure and how I needed a break immediately. I’d be sure to scream it loud enough that any attorney within ear range would sign me up for their services.

Please understand in an eight hour shift, crew members only get two 15-minute breaks. I told myself with each temptation to just take a deep breath. “God, you lead.” When exhaling, I followed it with, “I’ll follow.” With each brief meditation and mantra I gripped the figure on my rosary-bracelet.

Each bead has it’s assigned prayer. Daily prayer helps my daily life.

It was a virtually a miracle, not only was my anger kept in check, but I actually thought of my managers. Anger and pride were inhibited. I put myself in their shoes and knew they were probably having a worse time with people demanding all sorts of cleaning supplies and toilet paper and not even be able to tell them when the next shipment was to be expected. Thank God.

Glory is not in never falling.

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. – Confucius

I’ve fallen once again but am trying to stop again. I’m an alcoholic.  I easily admit this publicly because I only seriously drank for 20-odd years, and I’ve been sober for 21.  However, the smellier addiction I fought has always been nicotene. I have had nicotene in cartoons or roll your own cigarettes, cigars, pipes, vaporizors, or chew, be it in pure tobacco or nicotene gum. I have tried hundreds of times and hundreds of ways to quit.  I’ve gotten advice from a multitude of ex-smokers.

(I’m further begging anyone out there to tell me what worked for them.)

This time I’ve composed a kindergarden grade mantra for my prayer beads to mutter while playing with these beads when dealing with a nicotene fit.

I’ve continually fallen. After a short period of quitting & falling on my face, I’ve always concocted a new way to try. This time I downloaded some apps and using the internet for it’s inspiration. I know I may fail again, but I also know I’ll keep rising.

One day, I’ll quit.

A Financially Cold Winter Day Can Suddenly Turn Warm

I am broke and may be evicted. Best of all there is no one to blame but myself.   Admittedly, I know that playing financial fortune teller is completely pointless.  The A-grade anxiety is never as bad as I predict. This minature-depression period in my life, like virtually everything, caused me to pray.  Furthermore, my self-imposed melancholia came to a crashing end, when talking to a friend.  He said he needed something, which I could provide on the spot with no trouble to the lack of money in my wallet and bank account. 

Helping others always brightens the darkest dreariness of my days


Ask yourself who would God vote for, dispite the immorality of the candidates. Hopefully, there will be a clearer choice. Regardless, when a large decision is being made take a moment to yourself. I pray a homemade prayer: “God I don’t know what you want me to do, where you want me to go, or what you want me to say, so just use use in any of your ways. I’m positive all will be okay.