Anxiety Wrapped Around My Mind

Just one thought entered my skull and before I knew it I stared blankly ahead.

I was cleaning my back yard and I thought of two people who I miss very much.  I only wish I knew more about them.

This is what I stared at for about a half hour when I was depressed. Normally I stare at a candle.

Suddenly I stared straight ahead at the vegetation in front of me. Only after 30 to 40 seconds, I realized that my jaw hung open, my breath stopped, while my eyes, mouth, throat felt dehydrated and arid. Even after recognizing my statuesque posture I continued concentrating on the plants covering the tiny rock cliffs.

When depressed, I often stare ahead with little going into my mind. Unlike prayer or meditation, I don’t feel enriched or energized in any way.  For example the few thoughts floating into and out of my mind were pointless schemes of how I could get noticed by the ones I love and wish to know better.  For each scheme I could see someone saying “XY&Z”, for which I would respond, “ABC & then D”.

I am Bipolar Disorder 1, and I have the Social Anxiety Disorder.  The Mayo Clinic described Social Anxiety as “involving high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousness and concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.” https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/anxiety/symptoms-causes/syc-20350961

This fits me so well. I was apt to see them in public and my hypothetical fuses for my nerves were going to blow and my proverbial breaker was going to flip, as they had so many times in the past

A rabbit hopped past me and I snapped out of it. I forced myself to return to cleaning with a feeling of wasted time.  Knowing that every time I have tried to reach out more, it has been fruitless and in the end I feel disheartened.

Then I asked myself what would be the worst thing to happen if I acted irrationally again and further distance myself from them. I found the answer rather easily.  I would be further distanced or in other words, more of the same.

“Ok,” I thought to myself while I stared at myself in a mirror. “It’s time to get over it. The anxiety and depression wrapped around my brain over these two individuals has got to come to an end.”

I told myself to stop trying to visit them at all costs.  Instead I envisioned sending a short note letting them know that my door for them is always open, but their admission is not voluntary.